Can You Hear Me Now?

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.

Control: "You're unreadable, say again."

Us: "I've turned off the engine. Is that better?"

Control: L..o..n..g pause.

Captain Sulu? Captain Kirk? OOPS!

One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for a while. He started jabbering away, not realising that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much - you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterwards by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

Climb to 4000 Feet.

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 feet for noise abatement."

AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 feet?"

Tower: "At 4000 feet you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket."

Cleared.

Boy. Denver approach was in rare form Saturday night as we passed through the Class B tooling to / from Cheyenne...

Continental XXX: "What are all these things out here? Toll booths for the new airport?"

DEN Approach: "Standby... Yeah. The guy behind me says there's a ton of them."

DEN Approach: "Continental YYY... blah... blah... report airport in sight."

Continental YYY: "[read-back] and my first officer says he has the airport in sight."

DEN Approach: "Roger. Tell your first officer he's cleared for the visual 26R."

Dave Allen - Fly because you love it.

Dead Seagull Traffic.

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: "85 Uniform, taxi to position and hold."

Me: "Position and hold, 85 Uniform."

Citabria: "Umm, tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock."

PAO: "Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway."

Me: "85 Uniform, dead seagull traffic in sight."

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:

PAO: "Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway."

Final Yet?

A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard:

An obvious student in a Cessna 152: "Ah Jeffco tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11."

Jeffco Tower: "You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

GO AROUND!

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger." (Continues descent.)

Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND!"

Student: "Roger." (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger." (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his aeroplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

Landing Type.

This is from when my wife was a student pilot returning to HYA from the practice area:

7MA: "Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers."

HYA: "Roger 7MA, make straight in runway 22. Say type landing."

7MA: "We're a Cessna 182."

HYA: "Negative, say type landing."

7MA: "Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform."

HYA: "7MA, I say again, say TYPE landing."

7MA: (Silence) "A good one I hope."

Hotel Room.

Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:

(Scene 1 - it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control.)

Approach: "33W confirm you have hotel."

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: "United 5, descend to FL220."

United 5: "United 5 down to FL220 - we don't have a hotel room either."

Information Delta.

"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, [weather, approach information, NOTAM's, etc., etc.]. Arriving aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me!?"

Malibu or Chevelle?

The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City International in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land...

KC Approach: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Monkey Business.

(This one really happened - the FE was suspended.) On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume - more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!

My Name is Mike Too.

Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:

Pilot: "This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike."

The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"

Nervous Pax.

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small aeroplane". He decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the aeroplane... it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humour."

People Unclear on the Concept Department.

I just turned off the 10 o'clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport. Both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage and said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock and was trying to make Burbank airport.

Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board."

Out of Fuel.

(Heard on the radio - really.)

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

The Pilot's Prayer.

Oh controller, who sits in tower

Hallowed be thy sector.

Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done

On the ground as they are in the air.

Give us this day our radar vectors,

And forgive us our TCA incursions

As we forgive those who cut us off on final.

And lead us not into adverse weather,

But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

Propeller Action.

What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and

watch him sweat!

Simon Says.

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."

N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

Simple Statement.

If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.

T-38 Needs Gas.

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"Bet you don't get too many aeroplanes asking for fuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."

True Legal Action.

The Northrop Corporation has taken legal action to prevent a Texas company from marketing a new product Northrop says

might be confused with its B-2 Stealth bomber.

The product: Stealth Condoms.

The slogan: They'll never see you coming.

Stealth condoms come in packages shaped like the bomber. They are $5 for a package of three; one red, one white, one blue. Also there's the matter of [the owner's] voice mail message; "Howdy, this is John. Me and the rest of the Stealth test pilots are out right now..."

[The owner] says he will fight to keep his company and name. He feels he's got the better product; "We offer a heck of a lot more protection than the Stealth bomber, at a lot less cost."

USA353?

My favourite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over to Cleveland...

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.6."

<pause>

Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.6!"

<pause>

Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife - you never listen!"

Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Will Never Know Who.

In the middle of the night, over the radio during a quiet period:

A/C: "I'm fucking bored!"

F/S: "Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself."

A/C: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

Will Never Know Who 2.

Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:

SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fucked up."

Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

(short pause)

IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."

You Idiot.

I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Québec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(Brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

C-130 Come Back to 90 Knots.

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Control: "AF1733, you are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final. Reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Control (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 miles ahead of you. Reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots."

Control: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you. Reduce speed to 90 knots."

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Control: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

Signs You Have A Bad Pilot.

10. You overhear the pilot say on the intercom, "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo?"

9. For the past two hours, you have been going straight up!

8. The pilot says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet."

7. The co-pilot is sitting on the captains lap.

6. When the pilot takes off he / she yells, "WWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

5. At some point your pilot announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. The pilot is wearing a dominos pizza uniform.

3. Over the PA you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks! Heh, heh, heh."

2. As you get on the aeroplane you recognise the pilot is the same person that drove your cab to the airport.

1. The pilot keeps referring to the control tower as "MOMMY".

Deer Cleared for Takeoff.

This CFI and his student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: "Cessna ABC cleared for take-off."

Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"

CFI: "What do you think you should do?"

Student: (think think think) "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."

CFI: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: "Cessna ABC cleared for take-off, runway 19."

Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"

CFI: "What do you think you should do?"

Student: (think think think) "Maybe I should tell the tower."

CFI: "That's a good idea."

Student: "Cessna ABC, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."

(long pause)

Tower: "Roger ABC, hold your position. Deer on runway 19 cleared for immediate departure."

(Two seconds, and then - I presume by coincidence - the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: "Cessna ABC cleared for departure, runway 19. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer."

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

Delta's Advertising Slogans.

The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

2. Join our frequent near miss program.

3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!

5. Complimentary champagne in free fall.

6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

8. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!

9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!

11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

12. Bring a bathing suit.

13. So that's what these buttons do!

14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Feel at Ease?

A friend of a friend, who is an airline co-pilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease. For example, one time the aeroplane in front of him blew a tyre on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up.

His announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last aeroplane that landed there."

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain.

His announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal -there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."

Landing Worth $13 000.

Here's another one from the wacky minds of our military controllers at Namao. A bit of background is in order; CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR (Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian / military, and all our aircraft have permanent PPR's.

One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controller asked for the PPR number and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to be turned away, but the controller cleared them right base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."

Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".

(Several more circuits later...)

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."

Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"

Tomahawk: "We thought we'd make one or two more."

Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13 000 now."

(LONG delay...)

Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"

(Another LONG delay.)

Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

What Are You?

Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345: "No... I am a male hispanic."

Neg on the Bull.

Many commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare International, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1 - 2 hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots, passengers, crew - are all getting quite frustrated and angry.

ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."

Unknown A/C: "Ahhh... bullshit!"

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself. American 411, was that you?"

American 411: "Approach, American 411 - negative on the 'bullshit' sir."

NW 202: "Approach, NW 202 - negative on the 'bullshit'."

Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55 - negative on the 'bullshit'."

NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit'."

... and so on, right through the entire pattern.

What To Do.

Kerry Kurasaki writes:

Told to me by a friend:

C-150 is climbing out and is at 150' AGL.

Tower: "Cessna 123, right crosswind, your discretion. TWA 192 heavy, cleared for takeoff, Cessna climbing out."

Translation: Cessna 123, get the hell out of the way!

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation.

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimums.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time. It must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the Mile High Club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimums.

11. The weather is gonna be alright. It's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance - it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, under-worked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.

23. Sure I can fly it - it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunch-time.

25. Your plane will be ready by two o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day - we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual. How could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

The Instructor Can't Win.

Scene - student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.

Instructor: (Turns down the panel lights) "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?"

Student: (Pulls out a flashlight.) "I get out my flashlight."

Instructor: (Grabs flashlight.) "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"

Student: (Pulls out another flashlight.) "I get out my other flashlight."

Instructor: (Grabs next flashlight.) "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"

Student: (Pulls out yet a third flashlight.) "I use this flashlight."

Instructor: (Grabs this one too.) "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"

Student: "I use this glow stick."

Instructor: "Sigh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"

What Did You Say That For?

A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine).

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the captain announce, "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer."

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the captain did an even worse one. The first officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing, "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our captain."

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?"

The first officer replied, "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!"

"But I never keyed the mike!" responded the captain.

Flight Training Schedule.

Week One:

Monday: Rain.

Tuesday: Rain.

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either.

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.

Week Two:

Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "That big knob thing". Also hates when I call instruments "gadgets".

Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record - my first compliment!

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.

Week Three:

Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her "babe". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.

Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "babe", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was too loud.

Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha - progress!

Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did a good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée's house as point again.

Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Flight Training Schedule (continued).

Week Four:

Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliett will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tyre arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.

Dogs on the Runway.

One beautiful Sunday morning my wife and I were going for a flight in a rented C182RG from Vancouver International Airport. Things were a little slow that morning and when we announced that we were ready for take-off on runway 26, we received the following clearance:

"Cessna X-ray Yankee Zulu you are cleared for takeoff. Please note that there are two dogs midway down the runway doing what I would like to be doing on this beautiful morning."

ATC does have a sense of humour here in Vancouver BC.

Deke Slayton's Final Flight.

World famous astronaut Deke Slayton, crew member of the 1975 US -USSR Apollo - Soyuz mission, one of the original Mercury Seven astronauts, and an avid Formula One racing pilot died at his home in Texas at 3:22 a.m. on June 13, 1993.

Later that same day at 7:58 a.m. local time, at the John Wayne Airport in California, a Formula One racing plane with large FAA required numbers on the fuselage (N21X) took off from the airport and performed various flight manoeuvres. With a high speed racing propeller the extremely noisy racer was seen and heard by many people who clearly identified the aircraft type and wrote down the N21X registration.

The FAA determined that the noise level mandated by law had been exceeded. On July 20th Bobbie Slayton (Deke's wife) received a letter from the FAA to Donald K. Slayton notifying him of the violation. Bobbie contacted the FAA, pointing out that Deke had been dead for six hours before the incident. She further added that N21X had been donated to a racing museum in Sparks, Nevada several months earlier, and that before being displayed the racer's engine was removed.

Bobbie remarked that it probably took Deke six hours to find Gus Grissom to prop the plane for him.

Usenet Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

My instructor is not entering any PIC time for the time I'm solely manipulating the controls of a Cessna 182 while working towards my high performance endorsement. I have a PP-ASEL certificate / rating and the C-182 is a single engine land aeroplane so I see no problem logging PIC time IAW FAR 61.51(c)(2). Clarification, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

It is anthropocentric of you to claim that you are in command of a machine. Why, some of my best friends are machines. Come to think of it, I am a machine! You should try to become more sensitive, and work toward a relationship with your Cessna (you didn't even mention her name) of mutual respect and trust.

One Small Step for a Man, One Giant Leap for his Wife.

It seems when Apollo mission astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Before he re-entered the lander he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

A few months ago (July 5th 1995 in Tampa Bay Florida) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbours' bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"